Ok, so yes we are having a girl, as you can tell be the not so updated post below.
As my plans slowly turns more girly, i realized something.
Besides the fact that this keeps going through my head, that while yes i am a girl, i have been on auto-pilot boy .
I think i noticed this when the first thing i wanted to register for was a blue monster hooded towel. It was so cute. But then i got a look from my boys, Easton spoke up, " mom, it's a girl" Soon followed by Carlos " how about that purple hippo." As i put back the cute monster i told the hippo how not cute enough she was. I know, it's a towel. Then my boys said to get the monster towel, i still may, our girl will like monsters, but it was too soon.
Another kicker is the baby room, The decor.
If it was my pick it would be this one...
Actually a little different since we have a mini crib, this website that sells this type is great because every style they carry they also carry the mini crib set, which is so rare to find.
But it is NOT the one we're getting. I actually can't show it to you. Seriously, how i am so protective of names, Carlos is protective of the look he picked out.
I have been to almost all the fabric stores in town looking for a certain type of print, in a certain color, with a certain level of busyness to it. i have gotten so may swatches that didn't meet the bar.
The first week i went, i called Carlos (he was on stand by and couldn't go) twice to tell him i love him, but i don't know that level of girlyness he searching for Fionna. I let him know that if i didn't love him, i would have already thrown in the towel. This was on the first Jo ann's trip. I normally love joann's, but not when all the prints i see aren't good enough for what Daddy has picked out.
This past week i was in Walmart and Hobby lobby looking and getting more swatches. As i looked more and more, it was hard not to cry. Not out of frustration, or even exhaustion.
It finally hit me.
About a month ago, we were tossing around girl names, just in case. Fionna is not what i picked. but right before a shower i realized. Carlos was sticking by this name, I think jokingly at first, just so he had something against my choice. He really wanted this.
You see, My mom got to make the final decision on our names, which is normal i guess. But i remember thinking when i was little why didn't my dad care? i know i was dramatic thinker when i was young. I didn't want my daughter for one moment thinking her father did care about her name. I came out the bathroom bawling, i know "surprising", Carlos' of course is a pro at my pregnancy pop up crying, i told him i wasn't ok with the thought of our girl even thinking he didn't care enough. I was so broke, i had thrown a fit over her name not thinking about his motives for it. I am such a believer that a girl and her father have such an important relationship.
He is the first man to show her what a man is.
He shows her how God loves her by how he loves her.
The First man to show her what traits a husband should have.
Her first biblical leader.
These are huge.
As we talked and looked at baby bedding, i loved the above photo, but Carlos wasn't impressed. he said it was cute, but not good enough for Fi. Yes that's her nick name, Not FI FI, that isn't elegant enough. So he found one closest to his liking. I can sew it for less then what the store sells it, that is if i can find a pattern close enough.
So as i looked last week, i realized this whole level of Carlos standard for her decor is really
an amazing example. As i looked at the busyness of the fabrics putting back many for not making the cut, it hit me.
They didn't make the cut.
Simply not good enough.
Not what he desired for her.
He had a standard for his child.
Simply what her daddy wanted.
Like,the standard God has for his children, for what He desires for us. He knows what is not going to make the cut, what is simply not good enough.
You see this past few weeks i have just been reminded that left to my vices, i would run from responsibility, from being wise with my money, definitely not being frugal. I had to deal with helping other's left to these vices. It was so hard. I was upset, ready to wash my hands, I was done. I just kept thinking ' why can't they get this, come on.' Seriously i had forgotten this was my thinking before the Lord did his 'cleaning' of my ways.
See, it didn't meet his standard for his daughter.
It simply wasn't good enough.
Not what he desired.
Couldn't make the cut.
Imagine every time i had picked up a bulk of fabric i was reminded of this. It was one draining week. Good though, really good. A reminder of His pursual of His children.
I looked at Ezekiel 16. A rebuke to unfaithful Jerusalem. I've looked in Jeremiah 2, yes another rebuke, but why? Because these actions didn't make the standard He desired for His children. He had plans for them, but they followed themselves to this point where God reminded them what He had Said and Done. His standard, that's what counts, Beside being cover in His son's blood, We all wouldn't make the cut. Literally all we can say is This.
